between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
