Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
