I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
