i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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