i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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