do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
