Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
