god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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