My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
