I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
