And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
