i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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