I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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