Hey man sorry I got all grabby
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
