So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
