Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
