Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
