I skipped work to stalk him.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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