peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
foreskin is a definite game changer
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
