so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
this boner is exhausting
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
