The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
