U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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