At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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