Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
