kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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