U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
