the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
