Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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