New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
