I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
