im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
