I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Randomize
