I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
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