Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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