I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
