Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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