Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
