So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
