I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
