I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
