when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
