He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
