I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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