he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
