Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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