I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
