My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
