i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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