haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
