I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I want to be your penis for a week.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize