I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
