Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
