Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
True college students do jello shots in the library
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