did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I can text with my tongue
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
