wrigley field is MILF paradise
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
True strength comes from lack of pants
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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