then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize