Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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