My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
my liver is dry heaving
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
