There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
You smell like stripper and shame
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
