I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
