Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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